But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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