me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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