I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
