so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads