just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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