just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
