I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
