just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
