I love black thongs
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
