Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
