So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
