R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
