Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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