Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize