I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
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