I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
