I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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