hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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