So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
