I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
