My room smells like vodka and shame
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
