I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
is wine microwaveable?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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