She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
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She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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