Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
