Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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