you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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