sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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