It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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