the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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