The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
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I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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