Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
