Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
