Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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