Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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