This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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