I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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