Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
