If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
