TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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