what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
