Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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