why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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