Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My vagina is officially offended.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
