The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
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We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
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