I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
