I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
