she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
