Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
