I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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