i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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