I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
