maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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