WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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