half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
