proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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