I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
